In which I attempt to understand our hometown of Joplin, Mo., with reflection and loving ridicule. Email pictures, anecdotes and comments to joplinexpats@gmail.com.
Interesting. Maybe the storm disturbed their secret home/shelters, and they were forced to fly around. Aaaaah I don’t know lol.
— There is a fantastic discussion going on at Above Top Secret about Joplin’s greatest legacy, and this is one guy’s hypothesis for why the Butterfly People/Angels were present during the tornado. Before you click over there, spoiler alert—there are a whole lot of dum-dums in the world. Just some real gullible morons and sad ignorant buffoons. These people are the reason pyramid schemes and emails from Nigerian princes still work.
Guys, I just forgot about this one. So Carthage Police accidentally posted a dick pic to Facebook. This being Joplin, everyone handled it coolly, and no one was too upset about it.
Dagnan said an employee of the department was attempting to post a photograph to accompany an announcement concerning the annual Mudstock community event for children. The intended photo of children playing at a previous Mudstock was among numerous pictures stored on a computer that also held photos pertinent to active police investigations.
Honest mistake! Isn’t that a common folder on everyone’s hard drive “Dick pics/Children frolicking”?
1. Something about the Joplin Convention and Visitors Bureau starting to offer tours of the tornado. They told a Springfield station they were going to offer tours, then said all they were doing is making a map for dum-dums who can’t follow the huge straight line west to east, and people’s minds were blown on Facebook.
2. This person posted a Photoshoped picture of a “Rebuild Joplin” shirt changed to read “Destroy Joplin” and people’s minds were blown, leaked out of their heads and were replaced by pure-rage machines. I only saw a few of the more than 100 comments before Facebook took the picture down after a flood of complaints, but there was definitely at least one “n-word” and multiple death threats.
I just thought I would alert you to these very important developments.
It’s true, we never will know if Martin Luther King Jr. could’ve been a great leader. He accomplished so little in his lifetime and is mostly unknown today except for that small slice of aggrieved blacks, I mean “downtrodden” to whom he remains a hero.
This fucking guy! I mean seriously, I know no one reads his blog, but shouldn’t he be saying this anonymously on the Craiglist’s Rants and Raves section where the rest of Joplin’s fringe go to yell and masturbate each other? I’ve already registered my discontent, but maybe some other people should consider writing letters to the editor or something because this is ridiculous.
This was kind of my best kept secret, but I’m sharing it with you now that I’m absolutely tapped out on wall space for tornado-debris crosses and as for more tornado-debris birdhouses? Let’s just say that I won’t need to do any mowing this summer. Because my yard is an avian housing development, just row after row of birdhouse on birdhouse on birdhouse making an inspirational statement that says if my yard, in a totally different state, can come back bigger and tackier then so can you, Joplin. So can you.
Next time you need a haircut, I suggest driving an hour to Springfield to go to Blow. Looks very cool and edgy. (Springfield’s hottest hair salon is…) But remember that it’s BYOP.*
*Bring your own penicillin. For the sexually transmitted diseases.
WEBB CITY, Mo. — Is this not America, the land of the free? How can anyone who calls themselves an American endorse and support any form of discrimination?
Religious affiliation, nonprofit, or not, how dare you propose hiring policies against any person who partakes of a legal substance such as tobacco, as long as that person adheres to any, and all, workplace policies?
Within the confines of legal consumption, and/or practice, what anyone does on their personal time is absolutely no one’s business! What’s next, if I don’t de-gas my beans to your satisfaction, is that grounds for exemption from employment?
Ludicrous, yes, but no more so than testing for nicotine consumption.
If that’s acceptable, then let’s take a look at banning obese health care employees. At one time or another, we’ve all been subjected to an enormous person, huffing and puffing, and perspiring, and their flab is laying on some part of our body while tending to their duties. As a smoker with emphysema, I breathe easier, and get around better than most obese people.
I thank the “powers that be” that my time left on this earth is limited, because this nation is headed to hell in a handbasket, whatever that means. Freedom of choice is in a rapidly spiraling descent.
We have a president who’s selling us out to East Indian nations, while living high on the hog. And, next in line, this once great nation is “hell bent for leather” in becoming the “Northern United States of Mexico.”
Thank God, (oh, no, I dared to mention him) I won’t live to see some of the devastation.
I’m so Caucasian I glow in the dark, but that’s an atrocity these days. You can celebrate, and days are set aside to celebrate, being anything other than a white, heterosexual person.
So many people come here to supposedly better themselves, and/or live the American dream, then try to turn this country into what they left, and they’re “hyphenated” Americans! In my little pea brain, being American is plenty good enough.
Wouldn’t it be a wonderful thing if everyone relearned the meaning of “tolerance,” and truly came here for the right reasons? Aren’t we supposed to be the “melting pot,” not the “hyphenated melting pot”?
Most importantly, come here legally. If you can’t, you don’t deserve to be here! It’s disrespectful to all who did it the right way, and to those of us born here.
Julia Miller
Webb City
Pity the poor smoking fatphobic white lady!
I like how she keeps weirdly returning to her own mortality. I wish more people like this were so quick to embrace death. I also like how illegal immigrants are disrespectful “to those of us born here.” Ha ha…”Respect my unearned birthright as a fucking American, heathens!”
And this is the second time in a week I’ve encountered some Joplinite banging on about how white people just don’t get enough respect these days. I seriously think I have about another week in me before I put this site on hiatus for the rest of 2012.
Here’s an alarming development that strikes at the heart of American values: Young Americans are less and less interested in driving and cars.
This indifference among the age group 16 to 29 has automakers worried. “Many of their potential customers couldn’t care less about owning a car in the first place,” report the trend watchers at The Wall Street Journal.
If this isn’t treasonous, it’s the next-closest thing. Cars define this society. One reason we won World War II was that so many young American men knew how to drive before they entered the military.
— Hey! Andy Rooney came back from the dead to write a final musty and hilariously cranky editorial. Glad the Globe decided to use it.
EXTREME HOME MAKEOVER: JOPLIN EDITION VIEWING PARTY
Are you guys having one? I am. What are you bringing to yours?
We’re making spaghetti red, Fred and Red’s style. (This recipe looks pretty close to legit.) As far as atmosphere, I’m considering foiling the windows and throwing up a few “private property” signs.
It starts tonight at 7 p.m. That’s central, of course. If you live on the West or East Coasts, then who cares? You’re dead to us.
